A man went to the zoo.
All they had to exhibit was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
A man was lucky enough to get tickets to the Super Bowl. He spies an empty seat way down, by the fifty yard line. He walks down and asks the man in the adjacent seat if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he said, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sports event in the world, and not use it?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Three CIA operatives, two men and a woman, are nearing the end of training for a coveted position in a select unit.
They are called to HQ for a test. The supervisor explains "this is a test to determine your unreserved willingness to follow orders without question".
"In that office, behind that door is your wife." "We've called her in for a meeting."
The Supervisor hands the agent a pistol and tells him to go in to the office and kill his wife.
The agent cannot, and says so. That is certainly understandable he is told.
He will remain a company asset and will serve in another position.
Later the second agent is called in for the same test. He goes in the room and soon comes out crying and saying he would not do it.
Later the third agent, the woman, is called in for the same test. Her husband has been called in and is in the office. She takes the pistol and goes in. There is some discussion heard, then cursing, screaming and what sounds like a fight. She soon emerges, disheveled and bruised and says "You idiots gave me an unloaded gun." "I had to beat him to death".
They are newlyweds, from the old neighborhood. A few weeks have passed. One night the husband comes home late for dinner. The wife is palpably miffed. The husband knows it's time lay down the law. "There are a few things you should learn now. "I'm the king and this is my castle. I want dinner on the table, hot, when I walk in the door, whether its Seven, or ten, or two in the morning. And if I want to stay out all night I will, and I don't want to hear any bitching from you. "If you don't understand that, there is the door."
She answered, "That's fine, I understand, and you should understand I'm going to have sex every night at ten o'clock whether you're here or not."
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man says "You really do look happy." The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job of my life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." At the other end of the aisle waits the bride with the look of a world conquerer on the cusp of victory. Her maid of honor says "You glow like a bride should." The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my life."
A man and his wife enter a dentist's office.The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain - I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth dear, and show the dentist which tooth it is."
Love is a little like playing cards in that you start hoping to be dealt all hearts, but by the end of the game all you really want is a club and a spade.